According to my parents, I was saved at the age of 3. I said the words. I did the deed. But really . . . 3? I loved going to church. Participating in all things church, I didn’t know what was outside of church. My life was great. Who wouldn’t want to be a Christian like everyone else? I am not saying I wasn’t saved but I don’t believe that I knew what I was doing.
I believe the turning point in my life was at the age of 12. It was almost as if I realized my independence. I had been sponsored to go to a youth camp that was centered on serving in Engeltal Valley in Arkansas. ETH held a youth camp attended by 12 youth. We mowed the grounds, cooked the food, cleaned the facilities, and worshiped the Lord. At an evening service, the minister said there were 3 people in the room that needed to ask the Lord in their heart. I knew everyone there and they were saved. They were part of the Team. Who goes to a Christian work camp if they are not there to serve God? Two immediately went up to ask Jesus into their heart. I was stunned. Who was the third? The minister started to cry saying that Jesus was waiting. All I could think is “Was it me?” All night I tossed and turned in my bed. I could barely sleep. I concluded that I was saved but I hadn’t given everything to God. At that moment, I decided that I would follow God on my own. I would no longer follow the group, but pursue Him only.
This moment changed the way I did everything. While playing on the baseball team, I would pray while I traveled so the music on the radio wouldn’t get into my spirit. I didn’t cuss, smoke, drink, or even involve myself in the simplest sexual gratifications. I wouldn’t even consider cheating or lying. I would tell on myself when I made mistakes. I actively sought to follow the character God set out in the Bible. I kept myself pure of heart. I made plenty of mistakes, but I kept myself accountable through confession. Memorizing chapters of the bible, a 21 day fast, traveling the world spreading the gospel through my talents as an actor and musician, investing my time in the pursuit of God; my intense focus on God slowly removed anything that didn’t uplift my spirit. Not because it was wrong, but because if I was going to invest my time I wanted it to take me closer to God. My life was unusual but amazing. On my own, I went as far as stopped listening to any music that wasn’t composed or even read a book that wasn’t written by a Christian author. Of course I still studied what was assigned to me in school, but on my own time I kept my pursuits only of God.
My next turning point was the realization of intense loneliness at the age of 20 and the contradictions I was discovering in the Bible. Was I wrong all those years? Ironically I was at Engeltal Valley in Arkansas again. I was searching for the Jesus “that sticks closer than any brother.” Although many admired my conviction and discipline, I didn’t feel like I related to other people. I struggled with common knowledge about TV shows & Music. I struggled in relating to those that were tempted by desires. I hadn’t done any of the normal benchmarks of compromise and went further than anyone expected. I kept myself pure in all ways. I wouldn’t answer questions on a test if I accidentally saw the test next to me. I closed my eyes and covered my ears during sex scenes in movies (only watching PG or edited movies). I gave myself a curfew in college and never broke it. If someone in my youth group put in non-Christ centered music, I would raise my concerns then leave if it wasn’t turned off. Don’t get me wrong, I was popular. I was an accomplished dancer, 11 or 13 scholarships in college, president of my youth group, founder of a swing dance organization, regular mission trips, and playing music in several praise teams. I was named in the top 20 all around students in my school. I had many friendships that I still have today. But I didn’t feel like anybody was able to understand my problems. When I opened up, it either scared the person I was talking to or they thought I was bragging. I wanted God to fill my loneliness, but the whole never was filled. In some ways, I felt that I had become a freak.
During this youth camp, like a neglected child I tried to provoke God. I climbed to the top of a nearby mountain. I stood on the cliff. For the first time I my life, I cussed and I cussed out God. Terrified I was going to die; I had reasoned that knowing God existed is all that mattered. Being good didn’t get the attention I desired so I was going to try to be bad. If this moment condemned me to hell, I could smile with satisfaction that everything I had previously done was right and made the world a better place. I wanted God to speak to me audibly. Plenty of people in the Bible tested God, and God met them. Sure he may have said it was better not to doubt or test, but Jesus always met them anyway. I waited for the discipline of a loving Father . . . and waited . . . and waited. Disappointed and confused, I went to the Bible and looked up all the ways that others found God. I went on long fasts, prayed, studied, different churches, started going anywhere and everywhere, and anything else I could think off. Since my life was a long list of haven’t done’s, I wanted to see if I was missing God because I was too rigid. Cliché as it sounds; I wanted to taste the fruit of knowledge so I started trying everything at least once.
For the next 5 years, I searched for God outside of the church. I did everything that wasn’t specifically called sin in the Bible and later committing some sins (having a kid out of wedlock proves it). I smoked, drank, partied, cussed, read everything, watched everything, ask every question, & pursued experience in all things. Through this process, I ran into a lot of Jesus haters. Talking to them, I ironically became a strong apologist for Christianity. Although I didn’t call myself a Christian, I noticed that others judged Christianity by someone they met and not Jesus’ teachings. They just seemed to make up reasons to hate Christianity, usually based on something ridiculous. I found myself saying “you cannot blame Jesus for that, he would agree with you.” It annoyed me and became quite good at proving the existence of God and make others reconsider their stance on Christ. I also ran into a lot of Christians that didn’t know a thing about even the simplest teachings. I found myself crushing their beliefs and asking them to stop associating with Jesus until they read the bible at least once. I didn’t hate God; I just didn’t buy the whole story anymore. Well . . . I don’t really know anything. Part of it, I was blaming God for my loneliness.
In 2005 I started working with a church as their lighting director. I was open about my questions and concerns about Christianity. They didn’t seem to care. I began to listen to the teachings again. Honestly, I was frustrated. It seemed that Christians are clueless to the world. Complaining about how hard it is to be a Christian and how tough the walk is. I didn’t see what they thought was so admirable about addicts and the endless loneliness everywhere. If Christianity is hard, then what is easy? My life was easiest and significantly better as a Christian. While expressing my frustrations with my dad, he kept telling me I was in denial about my Christianity. I said I didn’t want to be associated with those lunatics. I obviously disobeyed sections of Scripture so I wasn’t saved. So yeah, I might technically be a Christian on the john 3:16 model but most everybody I met in Church either weren’t saved or never read past “Jesus saved you from your sins.” I found myself using people’s complaints to prove they didn’t believe the whole Scripture either . . . therefore they weren’t saved. Begging the question, does everybody just pick and choose what they want?
I don’t believe I could have designed a better path. I still struggle with calling myself a Christian, but I know the principles of God are true. My faith is beyond the basics. I don’t need faith to not jump off a cliff. I know gravity doesn’t compromise with me. The principles of God don’t require faith after understanding. They are true. Is there another way to God besides Jesus? I am not so arrogant as to say yes, but I couldn’t find another way. Is Jesus the Son of God? Just examining the history of the Scripture over the last 2000 years, it would be hard to deny that the Book is just a book. The Bible is a powerful weapon with or without faith. Powerful men have used it to manipulate nations! It would be hard to argue that the Bible is just a story. The most successful governments and economic structures are based on Biblical principles. So even without the possibility of salvation (nations cannot go to heaven), mankind has chosen the path of God. Do I believe that you have to accept Jesus in your heart to be saved? Our human nature cannot accept unbalance. The only way God could save us is through a perfect sacrifice balancing the scales. Incapable of saving ourselves, God gave us a path towards him. Is there only one God? If there were two, we would see contradictions in the world. I don’t see exceptions; I see a lack of understanding. Many times I think something is contradictory until I understand it. Once I understand not only what was said but why it was said, the truth discovered is empowering. As a son of God, I strive to build his character. That is pretty much all I want. A lot like Peter and David, I pursue God without concern for my sin. I believe that following Jesus is about keep your eyes on the destination and not worrying about all stumbling along the way. When I realize I am wrong I stop what I am doing and change direction. Who wants to go the wrong way? In my opinion, repentance doesn’t require guilt. Repentance requires change. That change helps me refine my pursuit of God.
I believe the turning point in my life was at the age of 12. It was almost as if I realized my independence. I had been sponsored to go to a youth camp that was centered on serving in Engeltal Valley in Arkansas. ETH held a youth camp attended by 12 youth. We mowed the grounds, cooked the food, cleaned the facilities, and worshiped the Lord. At an evening service, the minister said there were 3 people in the room that needed to ask the Lord in their heart. I knew everyone there and they were saved. They were part of the Team. Who goes to a Christian work camp if they are not there to serve God? Two immediately went up to ask Jesus into their heart. I was stunned. Who was the third? The minister started to cry saying that Jesus was waiting. All I could think is “Was it me?” All night I tossed and turned in my bed. I could barely sleep. I concluded that I was saved but I hadn’t given everything to God. At that moment, I decided that I would follow God on my own. I would no longer follow the group, but pursue Him only.
This moment changed the way I did everything. While playing on the baseball team, I would pray while I traveled so the music on the radio wouldn’t get into my spirit. I didn’t cuss, smoke, drink, or even involve myself in the simplest sexual gratifications. I wouldn’t even consider cheating or lying. I would tell on myself when I made mistakes. I actively sought to follow the character God set out in the Bible. I kept myself pure of heart. I made plenty of mistakes, but I kept myself accountable through confession. Memorizing chapters of the bible, a 21 day fast, traveling the world spreading the gospel through my talents as an actor and musician, investing my time in the pursuit of God; my intense focus on God slowly removed anything that didn’t uplift my spirit. Not because it was wrong, but because if I was going to invest my time I wanted it to take me closer to God. My life was unusual but amazing. On my own, I went as far as stopped listening to any music that wasn’t composed or even read a book that wasn’t written by a Christian author. Of course I still studied what was assigned to me in school, but on my own time I kept my pursuits only of God.
My next turning point was the realization of intense loneliness at the age of 20 and the contradictions I was discovering in the Bible. Was I wrong all those years? Ironically I was at Engeltal Valley in Arkansas again. I was searching for the Jesus “that sticks closer than any brother.” Although many admired my conviction and discipline, I didn’t feel like I related to other people. I struggled with common knowledge about TV shows & Music. I struggled in relating to those that were tempted by desires. I hadn’t done any of the normal benchmarks of compromise and went further than anyone expected. I kept myself pure in all ways. I wouldn’t answer questions on a test if I accidentally saw the test next to me. I closed my eyes and covered my ears during sex scenes in movies (only watching PG or edited movies). I gave myself a curfew in college and never broke it. If someone in my youth group put in non-Christ centered music, I would raise my concerns then leave if it wasn’t turned off. Don’t get me wrong, I was popular. I was an accomplished dancer, 11 or 13 scholarships in college, president of my youth group, founder of a swing dance organization, regular mission trips, and playing music in several praise teams. I was named in the top 20 all around students in my school. I had many friendships that I still have today. But I didn’t feel like anybody was able to understand my problems. When I opened up, it either scared the person I was talking to or they thought I was bragging. I wanted God to fill my loneliness, but the whole never was filled. In some ways, I felt that I had become a freak.
During this youth camp, like a neglected child I tried to provoke God. I climbed to the top of a nearby mountain. I stood on the cliff. For the first time I my life, I cussed and I cussed out God. Terrified I was going to die; I had reasoned that knowing God existed is all that mattered. Being good didn’t get the attention I desired so I was going to try to be bad. If this moment condemned me to hell, I could smile with satisfaction that everything I had previously done was right and made the world a better place. I wanted God to speak to me audibly. Plenty of people in the Bible tested God, and God met them. Sure he may have said it was better not to doubt or test, but Jesus always met them anyway. I waited for the discipline of a loving Father . . . and waited . . . and waited. Disappointed and confused, I went to the Bible and looked up all the ways that others found God. I went on long fasts, prayed, studied, different churches, started going anywhere and everywhere, and anything else I could think off. Since my life was a long list of haven’t done’s, I wanted to see if I was missing God because I was too rigid. Cliché as it sounds; I wanted to taste the fruit of knowledge so I started trying everything at least once.
For the next 5 years, I searched for God outside of the church. I did everything that wasn’t specifically called sin in the Bible and later committing some sins (having a kid out of wedlock proves it). I smoked, drank, partied, cussed, read everything, watched everything, ask every question, & pursued experience in all things. Through this process, I ran into a lot of Jesus haters. Talking to them, I ironically became a strong apologist for Christianity. Although I didn’t call myself a Christian, I noticed that others judged Christianity by someone they met and not Jesus’ teachings. They just seemed to make up reasons to hate Christianity, usually based on something ridiculous. I found myself saying “you cannot blame Jesus for that, he would agree with you.” It annoyed me and became quite good at proving the existence of God and make others reconsider their stance on Christ. I also ran into a lot of Christians that didn’t know a thing about even the simplest teachings. I found myself crushing their beliefs and asking them to stop associating with Jesus until they read the bible at least once. I didn’t hate God; I just didn’t buy the whole story anymore. Well . . . I don’t really know anything. Part of it, I was blaming God for my loneliness.
In 2005 I started working with a church as their lighting director. I was open about my questions and concerns about Christianity. They didn’t seem to care. I began to listen to the teachings again. Honestly, I was frustrated. It seemed that Christians are clueless to the world. Complaining about how hard it is to be a Christian and how tough the walk is. I didn’t see what they thought was so admirable about addicts and the endless loneliness everywhere. If Christianity is hard, then what is easy? My life was easiest and significantly better as a Christian. While expressing my frustrations with my dad, he kept telling me I was in denial about my Christianity. I said I didn’t want to be associated with those lunatics. I obviously disobeyed sections of Scripture so I wasn’t saved. So yeah, I might technically be a Christian on the john 3:16 model but most everybody I met in Church either weren’t saved or never read past “Jesus saved you from your sins.” I found myself using people’s complaints to prove they didn’t believe the whole Scripture either . . . therefore they weren’t saved. Begging the question, does everybody just pick and choose what they want?
I don’t believe I could have designed a better path. I still struggle with calling myself a Christian, but I know the principles of God are true. My faith is beyond the basics. I don’t need faith to not jump off a cliff. I know gravity doesn’t compromise with me. The principles of God don’t require faith after understanding. They are true. Is there another way to God besides Jesus? I am not so arrogant as to say yes, but I couldn’t find another way. Is Jesus the Son of God? Just examining the history of the Scripture over the last 2000 years, it would be hard to deny that the Book is just a book. The Bible is a powerful weapon with or without faith. Powerful men have used it to manipulate nations! It would be hard to argue that the Bible is just a story. The most successful governments and economic structures are based on Biblical principles. So even without the possibility of salvation (nations cannot go to heaven), mankind has chosen the path of God. Do I believe that you have to accept Jesus in your heart to be saved? Our human nature cannot accept unbalance. The only way God could save us is through a perfect sacrifice balancing the scales. Incapable of saving ourselves, God gave us a path towards him. Is there only one God? If there were two, we would see contradictions in the world. I don’t see exceptions; I see a lack of understanding. Many times I think something is contradictory until I understand it. Once I understand not only what was said but why it was said, the truth discovered is empowering. As a son of God, I strive to build his character. That is pretty much all I want. A lot like Peter and David, I pursue God without concern for my sin. I believe that following Jesus is about keep your eyes on the destination and not worrying about all stumbling along the way. When I realize I am wrong I stop what I am doing and change direction. Who wants to go the wrong way? In my opinion, repentance doesn’t require guilt. Repentance requires change. That change helps me refine my pursuit of God.
Wow. You are very good at expressing your thoughts. Thank you for sharing that.
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